9 Comments

Helping Or Hurting?


Helping others, in my humble opinion, is a definite waste of time unless the person you’re trying to help wants to be helped.

Perhaps I should add a disclaimer now: you’ll probably disagree with me and/or resent me a little bit for this post. But see, it’s my blog, and that kind of means I’ll write what I please.

Now. In my Personal Health class, we’ve been talking a lot about victims of domestic violence and such. (Bear in mind that this doesn’t exclusively apply to domestic abuse victims.) My health teacher, Ms. H, urges us to convince anyone that we know may be victims to recognize that they are victims and whatnot, and help them get away from the situation the best we can, and whatever.

And that’s all fine and dandy — but who are you to get into the business of another person, another relationship, another family? If you’re not asked for help, what makes you so special that you can decide for this person? Who are you to judge them?

Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying never help people and always victim-blame and gooooooooooo abusers! Not at all, actually. And of course, there are exceptions to what I’m saying — there are exceptions to everything — but if a man and a woman, or a woman and a woman, or a man and a man, or whatever, chose to enter a relationship together, knowing what their significant other is like, then that’s their choice.

Yes. I am thoroughly against helping people who don’t want to be helped.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t state your opinion, if it’s asked, nor am I trying to impress upon you that if someone says they’re having issues you should ignore them. But if you’re around someone who knows they’re in a bad situation, and they have no real desire to find a way out of that situation, you are wasting your time and energy trying to save someone who’s perfectly content with being damned.

The old saying ‘put yourself in the other person’s shoes’, I think, is complete BS. You don’t have all the same experiences that the other person has, and what you think may be good for you in their situation could be all kinds of bad for them.

My main point? One should always keep their nose out of others’ business unless directly asked for help.

Let the disagreements roll on in.

(But seriously guys, you know I love all opinions and I want to hear them all, honestly. We can have a civil conversation and it’ll be great.)

~Feebs.

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9 comments on “Helping Or Hurting?

  1. I was about to hound you for a post, but then I saw this. Good for you, milady.

    I agree and disagree. I definitely think that helping people who are resisting your help is futile and will probably end in disappointment, resentment, and low self-esteem on your part. When people try to read minds and anticipate a plea for aid that isn’t coming, it often ends in disaster. It’s called perspective: no one knows a certain person’s position except the person himself. If you try to judge someone from outside their head, it won’t work.

    At the same time, however, I believe in people trying to help whether people ask for it or not. The important thing is to keep from getting conceited about it. “I’m helping you because I’m good and you’re bad”– that attitude is dangerous. Even the attitude of “I’m helping you because you need it” is dangerous because of what I said before: perspective. But the attitude of “I want to help you however I can”– that’s harmless because you are simply expressing a wish, not forcing it on someone; you’re asking them how you can help, not telling them how they need to be helped. It’s an imp[ortant distinction that not everyone gets.

    The other point that you didn’t bring up is this: forget about helping people who aren’t asking and help people who are. That guy who stands outside McDonald’s asking for lunch is asking for your help, and you don’t give it to him. But you’re willing to give help to someone who doesn’t want it. You know what? You’re just trying to change a mindset. You want the people who don’t want your help to realize that yes, they really do need your help– and once they realize it, you consider your job finished and move on to change someone else’s mind. This is not the way goodness operates. Goodness is persistent, not coercive. Goodness is humble and unpretending, not haughty and hypocritical. Goodness is good, not bad. That’s what I believe, and I wish more people did– but I don’t want to change a mind, I want to change a life.

  2. Hmmm I agree and disagree as well. Sometimes, helping is changing that mindset they’re in that they don’t require help. While sometimes there’s nothing you can do, what’s the problem in making an attempt? Sometimes you’ll think it’s impossible, but they end up easily accepting your help.

    You said that people in a relationship entered into it willingly, knowing what the other person was like. That’s not always the case. Sometimes, people change. Like maybe your significant other changes after you get together, and become abusive only then. There was no way to know that would happen, and once it happens, the abused will often think they’re stuck, and there’s nothing they can do. They may be too scared to try and get out. That’s when they’ll refuse help. And that’s also when you should keep an offer of help open, and make sure they know it.

    Other cases of people thinking they don’t need help is an addiction, like drugs or drinking. Often times, the person who is addicted won’t want help. Fighting an addiction is hard, and it seems like most people would be discouraged by that, and refuse help to change it, but if you can change their mindset, that’s a way to help them. Even if they reject it at first.

    While there are cases where helping can end up harmful, it’s mostly because it’s done without thinking. Sometimes it helps more not to help people, but most of the time, it isn’t. People need other people to help, no matter how much they say they don’t.

    It’s past midnight and this probably makes no sense, but that’s my thoughts on it.

    <3

    • It makes sense, and I see your points. Thank you for the comment, pretty lady. <3

      My biggest thing is, if someone says they don't need help, or don't want help, then nobody else has a right to tell them they're wrong. Even with things like drug and alcohol abuse and things like that.

      They're not going to change unless THEY want to, and constantly reminding them "i'll help if you need it" and "I'm always here" is usually belittling and just a way for you to feel better about yourself, and that makes it not even about them anymore and I hate that.

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